A doctor was having an affair with his nurse, who became pregnant.  Not wanting his wife to find out, he gave the nurse some money and told her to go to Italy for the birth.  ‘But how will I let you know when the baby is born?’ she asked.
‘Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on it,’ he told her.
Six months went by then a postcard arrived.  The doctor read it and had a heart attack.  He was rushed to casualty where the wife was asked what had precipitated the cardiac arrest.  The wife handed over the card which read.  ‘Spaghett – spaghetti – spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs – one without’.
courtesy of  Mark Robberts

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’  ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la
computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.
courtesy of  Mark Robberts

’90 years old Fred returned from the golf course threatening to give the game up. His wife asked “Why?”
“It’s my eyes. I tee the ball up, give it a thwack then can’t see where it’s gone. It’s hopeless!”
“Then why don’t you take your brother John?  He can be your eyes.”
“Ah, but John is 95!”
“Yes, but he still has perfect vision.”
So Fred took John; teed off and the ball flew down the course.
“Right John. Did you see that?”
“Aye, I did.”
“So, where did the ball go?”
“Hmm…. I can’t remember,” was the reply.
courtesy of  Mark Robberts

Experience is a wonderful thing:
it enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, maybe yours needs a little more tending.

Man and the turtle are very much alike.
Neither makes any progress without sticking his neck out

Positive thoughts generate power, negative ones waste it

By the time you have money to burn, the fire’s gone out….

“The soul is the same in all living creatures, although the body of each is different.”

Men are like fine wine..
They start out as grapes, and it’s up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may just be the world”

“As you get older three things happen.
The first is your memory goes, and…….
I can’t remember the other two”
Sir Norman Wisdom

“As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. “
Robert Quillen

“People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it’s more about the state of your body. “
Geoffrey Parfitt