Jokes swiped from other peoples websites……part 4

Making a marriage last:
1. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday’s, I go Friday’s.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Lancaster and mine is in Trimdon Station.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburettor.
I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the river.”
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the rubbish truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the rubbish?”
The driver said, “No, jump in!”
10. Remember… Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
13. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”…I said, ‘Dust!”
15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman… Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
16. Why do men die before their wives?.. Because they want to.

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. ” Mind if I have a few?” he asks. ” No not at all,” the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
“I’m totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to just have a few.” “Oh that’s all right,” the woman says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them!”

This new scam is being pulled mainly on men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red-light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.
While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are apparently very good at this. They were successful seven times last Friday and five times last Saturday. I couldn’t find them again on Sunday.

Definition of a Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Henry goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women.”
The priest says, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”

“No,” replies the priest, “but it’ll wipe that silly grin off your face.”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?”
“Moses,” replied the bird.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?”

The bird promptly answered,
“Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus.”

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, ‘”Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.
A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?”
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, “Sure!”
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, “352.”
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, “You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep to my end of the deal.
Take your pick of my flock.”
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, “O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair colour, can I have my dog back?