Jokes swiped from other peoples websites......

Making a marriage last:
1. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesday's, I go Friday's.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Lancaster and mine is in Trimdon Station.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor.
I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the river."
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the rubbish truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the rubbish?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"
15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman... Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
16. Why do men die before their wives?.. Because they want to.
 
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A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. " Mind if I have a few?" he asks. " No not at all," the woman replied. They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm totally sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really meant to just have a few." "Oh that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them!"
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This new scam is being pulled mainly on men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red-light, a young nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.
While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are apparently very good at this. They were successful seven times last Friday and five times last Saturday. I couldn't find them again on Sunday.

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Definition of a Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.