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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2016 when…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

Some actual instructions found on packaging.
1 On a pushchair.-Remove baby before folding.
2 On a curling iron. -Do not insert curling iron into any bodily orifice.
3 On a bottle of sleeping tablets- May cause drowsiness.
4. Allergy warning on a carton of eggs-contains eggs.
5 On a bar of soap- Use like regular soap.
6. On a Swedish chainsaw-Do not attempt to stop saw with your hands
7 On a box of Rat Poison- Warning-has been found to cause cancer in mice.
8 On a container of Salt- Warning-High in Sodium
9 On a box of hammers.-May be harmful if swallowed
10 On a bottle of dog shampoo- Caution, do not feed to fish.

Irish Jokes (don’t blame me, I didn’t write them!)
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him “Do you want the winner of the next race?”
Paddy replies “No tanks, I’ve only got a small garden.”

A coach load of Paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going.
The driver won £52!

Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it’s shell off to reduce it’s weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
 
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says “I’ve just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb.” The operator asks “is it tickin?” “Paddy says “No I tink it’s beef”
 
Paddy says to Mick “Christmas is on a Friday this year” Mick says “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
 
Paddy’s in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him “Did you find the shampoo?” Paddy says “Yes but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet mine.”
 
Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station. Mick says “What if one explodes before we get there?” Paddy replies “We’ll lie and say we only found two!”
 
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy” he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says “Its seems calm enough to me” Paddy says “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
 
Paddy’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable. His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper.” He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing. “What did you put in the paper” his wife asks. “Here Boy” he replies.
 
Paddy’s in jail. The Guard looks in and sees him hanging by his feet.
 “What the hell are you doing” he asks. “Hanging myself” Paddy replies. “It should be round your neck” says the Guard. “I know” says Paddy “But I couldn’t breathe.”
 
An American tourist asks Paddy “Why do you scuba divers always fall backwards off their boat?” Paddy replies ‘If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat”.

Snippets
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

courtesy of Bill Robson

Continue reading Pawprints in the “Magazine” section…

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